I don’t know if I’m coming or going:

I’ve, what seems, so easily slipped into a routine of not eating meals, not cooking and getting myself really worked up, especially in the evenings, over the 2. This week has been absolute pants but at the same time I’ve had some victories. I have been all over the shop!! When I thought things could only get better, they’ve got worse and when I thought things would never start to look up I’ve had successes. I’ve struggled a lot with my depression this week (being a woman I can potentially blame PMS but that’s another body function that’s gone to pot) and despite medication, distraction techniques and regaining some daily structure – nothing seems to be helping and I’ve really struggled to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Yet I’ve had times when I’ve shocked myself and been happy, managed to cook and eat things I hadn’t thought I would have for quite a long time. A lot of the way I’m feeling has come down to the realisation that I can’t actually look after my own nourishment at the minute, or lack of. My stubbornness has had to be put aside and I’ve had no choice but to seek help. The times I have managed to ask for help (I owe an awful lot to my wonderful Mummy this week), I’ve managed to push past barriers I never thought would be broken. Mentally, cooking is pretty much a no-go, 9 times out of 10 I just can’t face it. Meal times are pretty non-existent. I was trying to eat with Harvey but that’s gone a bit pear shaped and everything always seems worse, more overwhelming, and harder to manage in the evenings. I don’t really know why things seem to have got worse this week, but I’ve tried my best to problem solve and to figure out what’s actually going wrong!

I had therapy on Monday and after sitting in the car, parked up, for half an hour before hand, debating whether I was actually going to go in or not, I bit the bullet and went. I hadn’t slept at all the night before so I was a caffeined-up, just about walking, zombified, mess!! I hadn’t managed to do as well over the previous week as I wanted to so felt like I’d let myself (and therapist) down. My weight had been all over the place and at my previous 2 appointments I had consistently been losing, so I was pretty anxious about the weigh-in too. In reality, I left the appointment feeling glad I went, with the plan being much the same with the addition of “prep ahead, if able”. Simple, right?! Wrong. I’ve been trying to put this into practice and at times (on 2 occasions this week) it’s been a success, but the majority of the time I’ve ended up a bit flustered and all over the place! I know it’s something that does help, but finding the drive, energy and motivation to prepare meals and food ahead of time when the ED voice is strong and telling me not to eat, can be quite the mental challenge and uncovers all sorts of internal arguments.

I’ve made a point of shutting everyone out again this week, cancelled on plans that I had previously been looking forward to, let my friends down and ultimately sat at home alone, lonely, but not wanting to be around everyone or anyone. Time always seems to go slower when you want it to speed up. Harvey’s been at football club all week which has been a massive saving grace as I’ve been completely whacked but it has also meant I’ve had no daytime distractions or anyone else to fret about, just myself to think about 9-3. I’ve been too tired and drained to do any of the million and one things that need doing around the house and watched way too much TV to sit and watch anymore so all in all I’ve been pretty bored and quite literally clock watching. Eating during the day has been hit and miss and by the evenings I have been that fed up, spent the day planning, re-planning, weighing up the options and then reverting back to Plan A on what to have for tea, just the thought of it now is a put off!

On the days I have done “better” ie. cooked (if you called call it that – and eaten), I’ve prepared tea in the morning. Which has been quite a success. Seems a bit extreme? Yep. But it’s freed up so much of my mind and time for the remainder of the day. I haven’t been able to change my mind 2699362 times, haven’t had to worry (as much) or get myself worked up about cooking or portioning out in the evening as it’s all already done!! Winner!!!! Not quite. Finding the motivation and mental strength to cook whilst easier early in the day when I don’t already feel like I’ve over eaten or massively bloated, I’m not overly tired or worn out and I haven’t battled the intrusive thoughts all day before hand, hasn’t been the easiest. But it’s a work in progress, I guess.

On the days where motivation and mood have been at an all time low, I have sustained myself on nothing more than coffee and sugar-free red bull. Maybe a bit of fruit, if I was pushing the boat right out!!! There was one day I sat, in tears, not really knowing why. Angry at myself for letting the ED win, hungry, tired, bored, lonely and feeling trapped under a big lead weight of depression, unable to wriggle free. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I have my Mum and Harvey to thank on this day. They took me away from the house (I hate being at home at the minute, but that’s a story for another day), actually tried to understand how I was feeling and cheer me up and put up with my indecisiveness and mood swings (I think I must have had about 4 different mood changes in one half an hour period) but the day ended with smiles and cuddles and a yummy dinner!!

If anything this week has taught me, it is possible to turn it all around and escape the depression bubble, but I definitely can’t do it alone. I need to let people in, and ask for help when I need it. I’ve also realised I need to stop beating myself up over “bad” days and embrace the better ones.

Here’s to more good than bad next week!!!


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