I came back from my holiday a week ago today. Things were fairly steady and not disastrous, could have been better but could have been a whole lot worse! Well this week I’ve been trying to dig my way out of a 10 foot hole with nothing more than a little plastic spade. In other words, it’s been a complete right off! I’d expected some turbulence, as there always is following a holiday but nothing quite to this extent.
Let me paint you a picture of how life looks right now; I’m currently sat on my sofa, in the same spot I spent a solid 12 hours yesterday, in the same pyjamas I had on all day yesterday. The washing basket is overflowing, school uniform is still strewn across the bedroom floor, the dishwasher is bursting at the seams, the kitchen is in desperate need of some TLC from various child made snacks, we have dregs of milk to sustain us for the next goodness knows how long, and my child has disappeared to his friends house next door leaving a death trap of toy soldiers lining my living room floor. I haven’t hoovered, I have a half completed ironing pile from about a week ago and our cupboards/fridge consist of nothing more than a few bits of cereal, bread crusts, fruit, veg and yogurts. Harvey won’t complain though at the fact his toys are left out and the ‘fairies’ haven’t been tidying up the minute he leaves the room and the prospect of another take away of his saying for his tea, but its not exactly the most sustainable way to live.
My weight has dropped 3kg (6 old school lb’s) over the past week. In fact 7 days exactly. Eating has caused all kinds of insane anxiety. Last week I was under the illusion that any weight gained on holiday would be fine. Naively. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I haven’t been set back this far for a very long time. At the beginning of the week, I did my best to avoid food at all costs or keep it to the very bare minimum. Physiologically, my body’s natural survival instinct had other ideas. Before long the cravings for all things ‘bad’ kicked in and once I’d started snacking it was game over. No matter what it was (fruit, crackers, yogurt), it was unacceptable and if i’m eating anyway and am already 99% sure I’m going to end up purging, I may as well satisfy the cravings, right? So for the week I have swung between periods of restriction followed by binging and purging. Up until Thursday, just about the only nutrition my body was holding onto was what I failed to ‘get rid of’. Looking at it in black and white like this, kind of explains why I have felt so whacked and flat out. Yesterday and Friday, I managed fruit and porridge, salad and tuna successfully, however the rational side of me knows this is a pretty poor effort and not really enough!
I am exhausted. I didn’t want to get out of bed at all today. My legs are in pain. I have cancelled all plans we had this weekend and have relied heavily on my friends recently to help out with the little man (for which I am hugely grateful). I’m struggling, big time to find my way out of this one, I can’t seem to claw it back at all. The weight loss is addictive, despite the horrible side effects. My blood sugars (given the shakes and cold sweats) are more than likely in my boots, I can barely look after myself let alone a household and family. I hate it! In my mind I’m torn. I want to be the perfect parent to a happy and healthy boy, with an immaculate house, many hobbies, a job I love and my own happiness. I want to eat a meal and not give a toss about how many calories it contains, and cook and bake with slabs of butter and sugar and chocolate and cheese, without having to sacrifice whole meals or purge in order to try a bite. The fact I can’t give up the weighing and the anorexic mindset is holding me back, depression has taken a hold and I don’t see anyway to go. I’m scared, to the point of meltdown about gaining weight and being ‘fat’. Losing control over that petrifies me. I don’t know how to do it or how to escape from the hold of the ED and my own negative feelings especially from down here.
At this point in time I feel very trapped. I’m hoping in time to come I can look back on this post as I’m sat with a Dominos, laughing and smiling, with my whole life ahead of me, excited for what the next day holds. Even if it seems a million miles away.