There’s no denying the past few weeks/month have been hellish; from eating to relations, the world, it would seem, has been a strong force against me. Have you ever been in a position where you think it couldn’t possibly go any further down hill, start to think about climbing back up, then find yourself in an avalanche? Right now I’m digging my way out of that big ball of snow and ice keeping me at rock bottom. Right now is my fresh start and my time to break free.
After hitting rock bottom, I had a bit of a wake up call. Instead of continuing to bury my head in the sand, deny the extent of the mess that was my life and hoping it would just go away, I stood up and looked around and realised just how much was out of sync, how blind and naive I have been and that I have so many reasons to reach for recovery. After receiving invaluable support from various agencies, healthcare professionals, friends, family, school etc. I have thrown myself head first, into the deep end of the recovery mission.
It’s not been easy so far. I didn’t realise how exhausting it would be. Mentally and physically but this week just gone has been one of the most stable, consistent, “normal” weeks in a very long time. Now I’m not saying everything is fixed. If it was that easy then I wouldn’t have spent so long being weighted down. But, we have our routine back, new and improved, I’ve spent lots of quality time with Harvey, managed to keep on top of things at home, I’m in such a happy place with my man, reconnected with friends and, my mood, anxiety, depression – despite a recent turn of events (which has proved a blessing in disguise) has improved massively. Not bad going for a weeks work.
Eating wise, things are going to be an uphill struggle. After reaching a point where I couldn’t eat, and keep down anything, running on empty for days, with the unknowing help from friends and family, I’ve successfully managed to have a couple of “proper” meals. In company, I feel obliged to eat and can’t bring myself to purge. Despite the fact I have previously been avoiding all kinds of social meal times, I’ve come to accept it’s a matter of necessity. Therapy is progressing and I’m on the first of many stepping stones.
I feel like, despite the fact I’ve been in treatment for a while, my recovery is only just beginning and ignoring all the ED voices, I feel ready for it and will do whatever it takes to reclaim my life, my energy, my spark and my happiness. Not only for me but for the ones I love around me.